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Tue, 05 Feb 2008

Selecting computer language for the new project.

assert youKnowWhatYouReallyWant == true;
if (iAmWritingForPersonalUseOnly()) {
    if (iWantAReallyNewParadigm()) { // actually you'll get some irreversible brain damage.
        try {
            return "Huskell"; // dude, I really mean the DAMAGE!
        } catch(ECriticalBrainFailure e) {
            if (preferDotNetWorld()){
                return "F#"; // it's the same as Gb, ain't it?
            } else if (processorCount() >= OH_SO_MANY) {
                return "Erlang"; // start thinking in 1000 threads
            } else if (preferPunctuation() == STRONGLY){
                try {
                    return "J"; // APL needed a transliteration -- and got it
                } catch (EBrainOverolad e) {
                    return "K"; // better have a bank hire you soon!
                }
            } else {
                throw new RethinkParadigmException();
                // you should have better selected Haskeel before
            }
        }
    } else {
        if (isDynamicTypingOk()) { // hey, everyone wanna be a cool geek today.
            if (cannotLiveWithoutCurlyBraces()) { // well, who can ?!
                return "Ruby"; // it's Python done better.
            } else if (enjoyIndentation()){
                return "Python"; // it's Ruby done right.
            } else if (shizophrenia->isOK()){
                return "Perl"; // all the expressivenes and imprecision of a human language.
            } else if (sourceCodeConceptIsObsolete()){
                return "Smalltalk"; // ever modified the value of True -- on a live system?
            } else {
                throw new LameException("PHP5"); // stick with this, los^W poor dude
            }

        } else { // static typing obviously
            if (isManagedOk()) { // let PC do some job for me, they are so smart nowdays.
	    			 //Sick of doing everything myself.
                if (preferJavaWorld()) { // die, MS, die!!!
                    return "Scala"; // huge, really huge. Must be inspired by Noah Arc.
                } else if (preferDotNetWorld()) { // stuck on Windows, ha?
                    return "Nemerle"; // kazalos' by... oh, not again...
                } else {
                    throw new IsThereReallyAnythingElseException();
                }
	    
	    // computers will eliminate the humankind if they get enough control.
            } else if (unmanagedOnly()) {
                return "D"; // get a whole new language with every new release. Great fun.
            } else {
                throw new YouWantSomethingStrangeHereException();
            }
        }
    }
} else {
    return "Do Whatever Your Boss Says To And Keep Your Mouth Shut Programming Language";
}

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